10/24/12

I Didn't Go Outside Today.

Is that okay?

You know how usually, I'm all

"Make the most out of your life!"
"Commit to tons of shit!"
"Experience is everything!"

Well...yeah. Doing tons of shit and living life up is great, but not when every moment of it is go-go-go all the time. Having a lot to do gives you a lot of experience, but what is that worth if every minute you're experiencing, you're thinking of the next experience? Do you savor? Do you retain?

I like to think I'm a pretty thorough believer in Thoreau.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion."

Thoreau, you're a pretty vigorous, respectable kind of guy. But I think I have to alter my opinion from yours a little now.

If you front only the essential facts of life, what about all the whimsical details that fall off the beaten track? The ones that give you any sense or perception of what in the hell you're doing. You know what you're doing it for, but is the end result all that matters?

What is "not life?" Why not "resignation" on occasion? Not a minute is wasted so long as you breathe and intend to keep on breathing.

Why do we have to know how everything plays out? So we can come up with some calculated idea of how to succeed? People, friends, Thoreau - that's the mystery, the challenge, the BEAUTY of life! There are no answers. There are no truths. Do the best with what you've been given and strive for more, but don't expect anything in return. One good deed is not deserving of another. Your steps to success and happiness someday may not play out, so why waste time not being happy now?

And what good are your experiences if you are not wholly affected by them?


10/12/12

Coming Out Day!

One thing that never fails to amaze me about being openly gay is how many times you have to "come out." Seriously, people don't usually consider this, but think about it. Most people think that there is ONE day that you announce it to the world and suddenly, everybody knows. Not exactly the case, compadres. How is anybody going to know you're gay if you don't tell them?

Now, this is obviously an issue in the gay community, as well as in the straight. When is it appropriate to assume that someone is gay? Most of the time, you'd think you're able to tell when a man is gay. They all prance around in their high-fashion, skin-tight apparel. They all have splendid physiques. They all carry around cute messenger bags. But speaking to an article Artie recently wrote about being gay and that not meaning any of these things, and speaking to a post I've written before, this is WRONG. Sure it can be true, but it's not a requirement, people. I feel like with girls, it's even tougher to tell. Maybe that's just me, though.

Anyways, I'm getting off track. My point is that, at least for me, if I don't TELL people that I'm gay, people automatically assume I'm straight. I don't cut/die my hair in weird designs. I don't have a thousand piercings on my face. I don't wear only sports bras. If this is a part of my life I actually want to be open with people about, I have to tell them to get the message across. And just because you're "out" doesn't mean that everyone is going to respect that about you.

The part that always surprises me though, is the leading up to it. You're talking about a situation where you met someone who was gay, or you have a gay best friend, or some person that was your same sex was checkin' you out, whatever. They give their opinion on what happened, and then it's your turn. You start out, giving tons of detail and whatever, and eventually end up saying that it's a very personal topic to you because....

That's my favorite line. Because then, all you can ever hear is a mind-fucking, still, empty, deafening silence. Seriously, those few words leading up to it, it's like the other person is holding their breath, waiting for you to dump a pile of shit on them.

"Because I'm gay," or "Because I had a similar experience," you say.

And then, they think, "Holy fuck. I'm in the presence of a gay person. Shit. She's gay? I never would have thought...oh crap. I hope I didn't say anything offensive. Did I? Huh. I wonder what kind of girls she likes...I can't really picture her with a girl...I wonder if she's ever liked me. Ahh crap."

Not sure if all of that it what goes through everyone's minds every time, but I can guarantee you at least a few of them have crossed through every straight person's mind at least once.

Just my thoughts on this, one chilly Coming Out Day in Chicago.
Happy Coming Out Day, everyone.
I hope all you blessed little gays out there find the strength and love for yourself to let your true colors shine :)

10/7/12

Secrecy.

Tell me the secret.
It is always on your mind.
Divulge it to me.

I can't guarantee
That I'll lecture or listen.
I'm ready to catch.

That weight on your chest,
The sigh in your heart - silence.
Awaken it now.

It rakes within you,
Clenching your bowels, slashing
Your supple pink lungs.

Let it tremble free.
Wracking your body with sobs,
Battering your soul,

Let it burst into
oblivion. Release it -
And let me hold you.

The you, newly cleansed
Of this wretched plague - this famed,
Self-loathing evil.