Piss Off.

Want to know something that really infuriates me? People who pee on toilet seats. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

Okay, let's just think about this situation for a second...

My mom taught me how to pee in a toilet standing up when I was still early in the process of learning how to "act like a lady" (not that those lessons ever came to completion...or fulfillment). And for the time being, I honestly thought I was a pretty cool cat; I took pride in the fact that I could take a piss without actually having to rest my bum on a cool, porcelain surface. Even today, I don't deny that it's definitely a useful skill. I mean, I hope that not a single person actually sits on the toilet in a porta-potty, that's just gross.

HOWEVER.

Ladies, we're in college now. If you haven't figured out how to aim your piss into a toilet seat by now, SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Or at least have the courtesy to clean it up before some unsuspecting someone (LIKE ME), blissfuly unaware of the fact that your excrements are just waiting to be sat on, sits on them. 

I understand the porta-potty thing, I mean, you don't know how long it's been since that thing's been thoroughly cleaned. But seriously? Public bathrooms? That you know are being cleaned at least once a day? If you honestly think you're going to contract some weird-ass disease (pun-VERY-much-intended) by sitting for a few seconds with your ass exposed, you must be smoking your own shoelaces. I have certainly never gotten one, and -oh look!- here I am, sitting in YOUR PISS. 

I started sitting back down on the toilet seat once I learned to accept the fact that sitting on a toilet while peeing is not gross in the slightest. People's butts are probably the cleanest part of their bodies, anyways. When are they ever even exposed except when you go to the bathroom? They go straight from the shower to the undies. If everyone just agreed to piss INSIDE toilets instead of ON them, nobody would have to worry about how "unsanitary" it is to sit on them because both the ass and the toilet would REMAIN clean.

But noooo. Thank god for your single, paranoid, clean ass that's wreaking havoc on the rest of ours. In anticipation of a disaster, you have created one. Congratulations, clean freaks. Or should I say disease-spreaders.