"The Bard."

So I guess I should tell you a little bit about how Chicago is going, huh?

It's pretty fabulous, to say the least.

Chicago Shakespeare Theater is an incredible company. I work in their education department (consisting of three people year round, myself, and another intern), and the work they do their is ridiculously far-reaching, inspiring, and profound. Not to mention the fact that the people that work there are gems. Sometimes I wish they'd be a little more forward and vocal about their expectations of me (all I ever hear are positive things...even when I know I did something wrong...which concerns me a little...haha). But still, I think that shows how much they value me as a student who is committing 300 hours of free work to them. They've been great to me, and I hope I've been as much help to them as they have been to me.

Working here has given me three take-home messages.

One: Employers, even in prestigious institutions, can be friendly and understanding. I've had a few different bosses in the past with extremely different ways of treating their employees. One was a devastatingly innerly ugly person who I seriously thought was on her period every day of the year because she was such a raging bitch. Another shared way too much about her personal life, but was at least welcoming and liked me. Because of these different encounters with employers, I get super self conscious about the amount of information I share about myself in the workplace with supervisors and employers. But because my supervisors at CST are so friendly and hopeful that my experience there is valuable to me, we can joke around, share stupid stories about ourselves, and even make fun of how difficult the work we have to do is. They've seriously helped me to let my guard down so that I can learn about myself as an employee. And what I've learned is...

Two:  I am an awkward employee. Because of these old bosses, my first instinct when entering a business environment is that everything is strictly business. So I kind of seem like a pretentious bitch who only cares about getting shit DONE. I feel super awesome when I get shit done fast and well. And I'm proud of my work...I think of each thing I do well, my bosses see as an affirmation of why they hired me...and turning stuff in makes me feel like a puppy eager to be loved. If I show them the best work they've ever seen, of course they'll like me. But many daily tasks I'm given don't require much thought, so why would they say "Hey, I knew I was right to hire her" when I just give them a daily message? There are other, more normal ways to get employers to like you. Such as being personable and easy to talk to, which CST has super helped me with. I doubt I've helped them as much as they've helped me, and I hope I get to convey that to them without sounding too cliche.

Our Director, Kirsten Kelley

Three: I am not so sure Theatre Educational Outreach is for me...don't get me wrong, I've loved working here so much, but I think I need to interact with people more. For some reason, I feel more than ever that the line of work I go into has to have some element of changing peoples' lives directly; like, with my seeing the results. During the rehearsals with CPS students for Hamlet, the best days were when I got to work with a few students on their scene, or on projection, or on character interpretation. I witnessed their minds shifting, their incredible capacity for creativity, the power and passion they found in themselves onstage. Even with the limited interaction I had with them - I became so attached to and proud of each of them. Oh - OH, the tears that were shed on our last performance day, let me tell you.

Text Work on the Stage

Practice Fencing

The last student I said goodbye to was a girl I worked with on her projection - Kim. The most physically and vocally girly girl you'd ever meet. She played a man in several scenes, and the physicality and vocality of that she had struggled with through the whole process. Within the last few days of rehearsal, she approached me and told me that she should probably practice this. Since I have some background in singing and performance, I could hear the changes that she needed to make in the placement of her voice and we did all these weird random vocal things to adjust how her words sounded. The last thing I told her was to throw her voice to the "Exit" sign at the back of the hallway we were practicing in, and when she did, everyone in the hallway stopped talking and looked at her because that sound had NEVER come out of her voice before. They got excited too! She rocked the performance, of course, and when it came time to say goodbye, she hugged me and just started bawling. I started telling her how great she was in the show, how proud I was of her, and how she was going to use that voice we found to do amazing things in life. Then I started bawling. I don't think I could forget that. And I know there are few careers in life that allow you to make that much of an impact on somebody, but I think I could be good at that.

Kim (left) and Carmen (right)

My mom's a teacher - a seriously good teacher. For some reason, I decided that I didn't want to teach until later in life...I wanted (and still want) to explore things that wouldn't be open to me later in life, once I'm settled in a set career and family (maybe?). The ideal I see for myself is either diving into a professional work environment and getting on my way to becoming "Somebody," or traveling (A LOT). But like...the first would require me basically going up against the world on a breaking down struggle-bus, and the other would force me to live a life that financially and lonesomely I just can't see myself managing. For the longest time, I've seen so many professions -middle-class professions- as settling for something less than what people really wanted in life. But what happens when those are the things that truly make you happy? Is it really so terrible to rejoice in what society deems as "littler things?"

I feel a time coming, fairly soon, in which I'll have to recalibrate my expectations regarding happiness. And not realistically according to society, realistically according to MYSELF. It's kind of terrifying. But if I don't, society will see me as a success, and to an extent, so will I. But if my goal in life is happiness itself, I'll know I have failed.

I Didn't Go Outside Today.

Is that okay?

You know how usually, I'm all

"Make the most out of your life!"
"Commit to tons of shit!"
"Experience is everything!"

Well...yeah. Doing tons of shit and living life up is great, but not when every moment of it is go-go-go all the time. Having a lot to do gives you a lot of experience, but what is that worth if every minute you're experiencing, you're thinking of the next experience? Do you savor? Do you retain?

I like to think I'm a pretty thorough believer in Thoreau.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion."

Thoreau, you're a pretty vigorous, respectable kind of guy. But I think I have to alter my opinion from yours a little now.

If you front only the essential facts of life, what about all the whimsical details that fall off the beaten track? The ones that give you any sense or perception of what in the hell you're doing. You know what you're doing it for, but is the end result all that matters?

What is "not life?" Why not "resignation" on occasion? Not a minute is wasted so long as you breathe and intend to keep on breathing.

Why do we have to know how everything plays out? So we can come up with some calculated idea of how to succeed? People, friends, Thoreau - that's the mystery, the challenge, the BEAUTY of life! There are no answers. There are no truths. Do the best with what you've been given and strive for more, but don't expect anything in return. One good deed is not deserving of another. Your steps to success and happiness someday may not play out, so why waste time not being happy now?

And what good are your experiences if you are not wholly affected by them?

Coming Out Day!

One thing that never fails to amaze me about being openly gay is how many times you have to "come out." Seriously, people don't usually consider this, but think about it. Most people think that there is ONE day that you announce it to the world and suddenly, everybody knows. Not exactly the case, compadres. How is anybody going to know you're gay if you don't tell them?

Now, this is obviously an issue in the gay community, as well as in the straight. When is it appropriate to assume that someone is gay? Most of the time, you'd think you're able to tell when a man is gay. They all prance around in their high-fashion, skin-tight apparel. They all have splendid physiques. They all carry around cute messenger bags. But speaking to an article Artie recently wrote about being gay and that not meaning any of these things, and speaking to a post I've written before, this is WRONG. Sure it can be true, but it's not a requirement, people. I feel like with girls, it's even tougher to tell. Maybe that's just me, though.

Anyways, I'm getting off track. My point is that, at least for me, if I don't TELL people that I'm gay, people automatically assume I'm straight. I don't cut/die my hair in weird designs. I don't have a thousand piercings on my face. I don't wear only sports bras. If this is a part of my life I actually want to be open with people about, I have to tell them to get the message across. And just because you're "out" doesn't mean that everyone is going to respect that about you.

The part that always surprises me though, is the leading up to it. You're talking about a situation where you met someone who was gay, or you have a gay best friend, or some person that was your same sex was checkin' you out, whatever. They give their opinion on what happened, and then it's your turn. You start out, giving tons of detail and whatever, and eventually end up saying that it's a very personal topic to you because....

That's my favorite line. Because then, all you can ever hear is a mind-fucking, still, empty, deafening silence. Seriously, those few words leading up to it, it's like the other person is holding their breath, waiting for you to dump a pile of shit on them.

"Because I'm gay," or "Because I had a similar experience," you say.

And then, they think, "Holy fuck. I'm in the presence of a gay person. Shit. She's gay? I never would have thought...oh crap. I hope I didn't say anything offensive. Did I? Huh. I wonder what kind of girls she likes...I can't really picture her with a girl...I wonder if she's ever liked me. Ahh crap."

Not sure if all of that it what goes through everyone's minds every time, but I can guarantee you at least a few of them have crossed through every straight person's mind at least once.

Just my thoughts on this, one chilly Coming Out Day in Chicago.
Happy Coming Out Day, everyone.
I hope all you blessed little gays out there find the strength and love for yourself to let your true colors shine :)