I've Got A New Blog.

It's called: If I Eat My Words I Vomit

You should come read it now :)

Relocation.

Dear Friends,

I apologize most sincerely for the lack of postage you've received from me for the past (insert amount of time it's been since I've blogged, for I hate to reminisce on all the moments I've deprived you of), but you see, I have been recording things in another blog of late. Mind you, I'm much less proud of this new blog than I am of this one, for I am admittedly about half as honest and a far fewer fraction as confident, but I am at least truthful of the events that have been occurring in my life (aka traveling to ITALY and ENGLAND), and should you wish to update yourself on the happenings of this speck of dust (yours truly) you need only click you shoes together three times and click on this hyperlink.

That is not to say that this blog is dead, by any means. If anything, I will restrict my posts to this blog to mainly outbursts of creative writing. That is all.

Sincerely,
Me, Myself, and I.

Where Am I?!

Never fear, avid readers! I have not yet fallen off the face of the earth - just straight through it, I suppose.

First and foremost, I apologize fiercely for my absence of late - I've been incredibly busy getting ready to travel abroad (yes, you heard correctly), spending time with my familia, and loving my dogs to a pulp. Christmas was nice this year, despite the fact that we didn't get a tree...completely ruining our family tradition of Christmas Tree Hide and Seek. I got super drunk with my familia and friends at the surprisingly many parties we had, played a lot of board games, met and hung out with my brother's new girlfriend, and got last minute study abroad paperwork and stuff done. It was nice not having to worry about anything for a bit and enjoy my family's company.

But alas, the time has ended and where am I now?! In the center of culture and fashion: Florence, Italy!

I've recently been assigned to my host family and roommates (one from a college in Iowa and one from Brazil who speaks Italian benissimo e Inglese, anch'io). See, look how good I'm getting? Giorno 3 in scuola Italiano :)

I'm super excited to be able to talk in Italian. Though my host mamma speaks pretty good English, she can't understand me very well, and I'm sure would prefer we speak Italiano. It was so cool, the first night at dinner, there were all these different languages being thrown across the table just trying to understand each other! English, Italian, Portuguese, Latin, French, Spanish! It was so fun just trying to understand one another and get ideas across. After that, Karena (the girl from Brazil) invited us out to an Irish pub with a bunch of other Portuguese students at Linguaviva, which was awesome. Hannah and I both had a "Sex in the Duomo." If you're unfamiliar, the Duomo is a MASSIVE religious monument in Florence.

Winding Down in the Windy City.

Things are starting to come to a close, y'all. It's pretty sad. I'm sorry I haven't kept you as "In the Loop" as I'd hoped. Jesus, where are all these puns coming from today? Seriously, I'm never this witty.

Anywho, here's the breakdown of notable events this semester:

1. CPS Shakespeare! and changing the lives of passionate young ones.
2. Making new close friends in the hostel and at work.
3. Seeing some remarkable theater (Sweet Bird of Youth, Sunday in the Park With George, Black and Blue Boys, The Strange Undoing of Prudencia Heart, School for Lies, Sister Act, Metamorphoses...I'm probably forgetting a couple.)
4. Going back to campus for choir and voice lessons. Seriously, saved my life this semester. Probably the best part of my week. I don't know what I'm going to do not singing all next semester and summer...my host family is probably going to get sick of me reals fast.
5. Making a Christmas CD with one Jessica Steele. If you are at all interested and would like a copy, please put your name and address in the comments section and I would be happy to mail you one.
6. Using public transportation...on some occasions.
7. Dressing all fancy shmancy for work.
8. PARTIES, of course.
9. Seeing the Chicago Christmasy changes.
10. Having my own room...however messy it may be.

I'm sure there's more, I just can't think of any right now. But it's been a fabulous semester, and I'm grateful for the things I've learned - about life and about myself. More on that to come, obviously. What is a good "I'm Proud of You" post without some philosophical mind-fuck shit?

For now, just get psyched because after Christmas break, what is to come, but...




EUROPE!

#Fail.

And of course, a day or two after that poem was written,
I chat with a nice, cute girl who works at Caribou Coffee for a while.

AND THEN JUST LEAVE.


God's just telling me I'm not prepared.

#youreanidiot
#makeamove

Somebody to Love.

My patience wears thin! Hurry up, time's a-tickin!
By the time you'll have found me, I'll be screamin' and kickin'
and begging you 'Please, pretty please, do not love me.'
I'll have waited too long for your descent from above me.

You're no track star, I see, nor any athlete by far

But I can't bear one day with my solemn guitar

Writing songs about meeting you and our perfect life;

A family and kids, a career, and a wife.

The hope I kept crest on the chaps of my lips
Will have blown far away as the lonely wind whips
them for shame to have thought they could feel anything
other than ashes and liquids that sting.

My soul aches to meet you, it knows that you're near,
Just circling around me - you'll miss me, I fear,
If you don't lift your gaze at just the right second.
I know your life's busy, but feel my heart beckon.

It'll haul up your sightline, buried deep in a stew,
and you'll stare at my chest wond'ring how you never knew
that 'twas me you were searching for - that beat in your head
you mistook for music was my heartbeat instead.

Then our eyes would meet, and eternity would pass
and crystallize our minds, immortalize us in glass.
No chill would I feel with your body in mine,
My arms wrapped around you, our fingers intwined.

Why should I go further, how is there a point?
When all these that stem from my dreams disappoint
Me? I want to just slap you and scream 'Here I am!'
And into you all seeds of love would I slam.

But how could I do that when your face to me
Is as fluid, transparent as waves in the sea?
And so I await you, patient and stubborn,
grasping at threads of love's dangling rope, worn.

"The Bard."

So I guess I should tell you a little bit about how Chicago is going, huh?

It's pretty fabulous, to say the least.

Chicago Shakespeare Theater is an incredible company. I work in their education department (consisting of three people year round, myself, and another intern), and the work they do their is ridiculously far-reaching, inspiring, and profound. Not to mention the fact that the people that work there are gems. Sometimes I wish they'd be a little more forward and vocal about their expectations of me (all I ever hear are positive things...even when I know I did something wrong...which concerns me a little...haha). But still, I think that shows how much they value me as a student who is committing 300 hours of free work to them. They've been great to me, and I hope I've been as much help to them as they have been to me.

Working here has given me three take-home messages.

One: Employers, even in prestigious institutions, can be friendly and understanding. I've had a few different bosses in the past with extremely different ways of treating their employees. One was a devastatingly innerly ugly person who I seriously thought was on her period every day of the year because she was such a raging bitch. Another shared way too much about her personal life, but was at least welcoming and liked me. Because of these different encounters with employers, I get super self conscious about the amount of information I share about myself in the workplace with supervisors and employers. But because my supervisors at CST are so friendly and hopeful that my experience there is valuable to me, we can joke around, share stupid stories about ourselves, and even make fun of how difficult the work we have to do is. They've seriously helped me to let my guard down so that I can learn about myself as an employee. And what I've learned is...

Two:  I am an awkward employee. Because of these old bosses, my first instinct when entering a business environment is that everything is strictly business. So I kind of seem like a pretentious bitch who only cares about getting shit DONE. I feel super awesome when I get shit done fast and well. And I'm proud of my work...I think of each thing I do well, my bosses see as an affirmation of why they hired me...and turning stuff in makes me feel like a puppy eager to be loved. If I show them the best work they've ever seen, of course they'll like me. But many daily tasks I'm given don't require much thought, so why would they say "Hey, I knew I was right to hire her" when I just give them a daily message? There are other, more normal ways to get employers to like you. Such as being personable and easy to talk to, which CST has super helped me with. I doubt I've helped them as much as they've helped me, and I hope I get to convey that to them without sounding too cliche.

Our Director, Kirsten Kelley

Three: I am not so sure Theatre Educational Outreach is for me...don't get me wrong, I've loved working here so much, but I think I need to interact with people more. For some reason, I feel more than ever that the line of work I go into has to have some element of changing peoples' lives directly; like, with my seeing the results. During the rehearsals with CPS students for Hamlet, the best days were when I got to work with a few students on their scene, or on projection, or on character interpretation. I witnessed their minds shifting, their incredible capacity for creativity, the power and passion they found in themselves onstage. Even with the limited interaction I had with them - I became so attached to and proud of each of them. Oh - OH, the tears that were shed on our last performance day, let me tell you.

Text Work on the Stage

Practice Fencing

The last student I said goodbye to was a girl I worked with on her projection - Kim. The most physically and vocally girly girl you'd ever meet. She played a man in several scenes, and the physicality and vocality of that she had struggled with through the whole process. Within the last few days of rehearsal, she approached me and told me that she should probably practice this. Since I have some background in singing and performance, I could hear the changes that she needed to make in the placement of her voice and we did all these weird random vocal things to adjust how her words sounded. The last thing I told her was to throw her voice to the "Exit" sign at the back of the hallway we were practicing in, and when she did, everyone in the hallway stopped talking and looked at her because that sound had NEVER come out of her voice before. They got excited too! She rocked the performance, of course, and when it came time to say goodbye, she hugged me and just started bawling. I started telling her how great she was in the show, how proud I was of her, and how she was going to use that voice we found to do amazing things in life. Then I started bawling. I don't think I could forget that. And I know there are few careers in life that allow you to make that much of an impact on somebody, but I think I could be good at that.

Kim (left) and Carmen (right)

My mom's a teacher - a seriously good teacher. For some reason, I decided that I didn't want to teach until later in life...I wanted (and still want) to explore things that wouldn't be open to me later in life, once I'm settled in a set career and family (maybe?). The ideal I see for myself is either diving into a professional work environment and getting on my way to becoming "Somebody," or traveling (A LOT). But like...the first would require me basically going up against the world on a breaking down struggle-bus, and the other would force me to live a life that financially and lonesomely I just can't see myself managing. For the longest time, I've seen so many professions -middle-class professions- as settling for something less than what people really wanted in life. But what happens when those are the things that truly make you happy? Is it really so terrible to rejoice in what society deems as "littler things?"

I feel a time coming, fairly soon, in which I'll have to recalibrate my expectations regarding happiness. And not realistically according to society, realistically according to MYSELF. It's kind of terrifying. But if I don't, society will see me as a success, and to an extent, so will I. But if my goal in life is happiness itself, I'll know I have failed.

I Didn't Go Outside Today.

Is that okay?

You know how usually, I'm all

"Make the most out of your life!"
"Commit to tons of shit!"
"Experience is everything!"

Well...yeah. Doing tons of shit and living life up is great, but not when every moment of it is go-go-go all the time. Having a lot to do gives you a lot of experience, but what is that worth if every minute you're experiencing, you're thinking of the next experience? Do you savor? Do you retain?

I like to think I'm a pretty thorough believer in Thoreau.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion."

Thoreau, you're a pretty vigorous, respectable kind of guy. But I think I have to alter my opinion from yours a little now.

If you front only the essential facts of life, what about all the whimsical details that fall off the beaten track? The ones that give you any sense or perception of what in the hell you're doing. You know what you're doing it for, but is the end result all that matters?

What is "not life?" Why not "resignation" on occasion? Not a minute is wasted so long as you breathe and intend to keep on breathing.

Why do we have to know how everything plays out? So we can come up with some calculated idea of how to succeed? People, friends, Thoreau - that's the mystery, the challenge, the BEAUTY of life! There are no answers. There are no truths. Do the best with what you've been given and strive for more, but don't expect anything in return. One good deed is not deserving of another. Your steps to success and happiness someday may not play out, so why waste time not being happy now?

And what good are your experiences if you are not wholly affected by them?

Coming Out Day!

One thing that never fails to amaze me about being openly gay is how many times you have to "come out." Seriously, people don't usually consider this, but think about it. Most people think that there is ONE day that you announce it to the world and suddenly, everybody knows. Not exactly the case, compadres. How is anybody going to know you're gay if you don't tell them?

Now, this is obviously an issue in the gay community, as well as in the straight. When is it appropriate to assume that someone is gay? Most of the time, you'd think you're able to tell when a man is gay. They all prance around in their high-fashion, skin-tight apparel. They all have splendid physiques. They all carry around cute messenger bags. But speaking to an article Artie recently wrote about being gay and that not meaning any of these things, and speaking to a post I've written before, this is WRONG. Sure it can be true, but it's not a requirement, people. I feel like with girls, it's even tougher to tell. Maybe that's just me, though.

Anyways, I'm getting off track. My point is that, at least for me, if I don't TELL people that I'm gay, people automatically assume I'm straight. I don't cut/die my hair in weird designs. I don't have a thousand piercings on my face. I don't wear only sports bras. If this is a part of my life I actually want to be open with people about, I have to tell them to get the message across. And just because you're "out" doesn't mean that everyone is going to respect that about you.

The part that always surprises me though, is the leading up to it. You're talking about a situation where you met someone who was gay, or you have a gay best friend, or some person that was your same sex was checkin' you out, whatever. They give their opinion on what happened, and then it's your turn. You start out, giving tons of detail and whatever, and eventually end up saying that it's a very personal topic to you because....

That's my favorite line. Because then, all you can ever hear is a mind-fucking, still, empty, deafening silence. Seriously, those few words leading up to it, it's like the other person is holding their breath, waiting for you to dump a pile of shit on them.

"Because I'm gay," or "Because I had a similar experience," you say.

And then, they think, "Holy fuck. I'm in the presence of a gay person. Shit. She's gay? I never would have thought...oh crap. I hope I didn't say anything offensive. Did I? Huh. I wonder what kind of girls she likes...I can't really picture her with a girl...I wonder if she's ever liked me. Ahh crap."

Not sure if all of that it what goes through everyone's minds every time, but I can guarantee you at least a few of them have crossed through every straight person's mind at least once.

Just my thoughts on this, one chilly Coming Out Day in Chicago.
Happy Coming Out Day, everyone.
I hope all you blessed little gays out there find the strength and love for yourself to let your true colors shine :)

Secrecy.

Tell me the secret.
It is always on your mind.
Divulge it to me.

I can't guarantee
That I'll lecture or listen.
I'm ready to catch.

That weight on your chest,
The sigh in your heart - silence.
Awaken it now.

It rakes within you,
Clenching your bowels, slashing
Your supple pink lungs.

Let it tremble free.
Wracking your body with sobs,
Battering your soul,

Let it burst into
oblivion. Release it -
And let me hold you.

The you, newly cleansed
Of this wretched plague - this famed,
Self-loathing evil.

Crazy Beautiful Life Cover.

Well, tomorrow is my last day at OshKosh. I had to say goodbye to my boss today because she's not working tomorrow. I almost cried -it's so sad saying goodbye to people who, even though you've only known them for a short while, have buried their way into your heart. This summer has been an interesting reminder of the fact that you can make friends anywhere, and keep them, too. Sure, multiple methods of communications help, but it's a wonderful feeling to know that in the multiple places I have established some sort of presence, there are people with whom I can keep in touch, people who will probably go off and do amazing things with their lives, including having touched mine.

LA LIVE.

Good morning and welcome to a live and waking Los Angeles. 9am, and people are already bustling about, getting to jobs, riding beach cruisers, grabbing their morning coffees. You know, it actually is a beautiful city. It's funny, I've lived in California my whole life, and I feel like I've never really done more than peek my head out the door of the few towns I've visited. Not that I really have a huge desire to live out here or anything, I'm just a little sad that I haven't really gotten a chance to appreciate my home state for all that it is. Maybe if I come back home next summer, I'll spend some more time in the city. It's about an hour away from my house, and I'd love to just walk around and explore for a while. Hey, maybe that's what I'll do today. I should probably explain why I'm even here in the first place.

My best friend from home, Ms. Katelyn Williams, attends USC (University of Southern California - go Trojans!) and she just moved into her fabulous apartment near campus. It's super sweet; there's a full kitchen, a flatscreen T.V. , and four bedrooms - and each one has it's own bathroom and shower! She's working at the Computer Science Center (I know, super nerdy right?) up until schools starts, which will be in a few weeks. We sort of have this unspoken pact that whenever we're both free, we're always together. Seriously, we've had many many talks about how lame our lives are because we plan out every day of every week and coordinate our schedules so we always know when we're going to hang out next. So, going along with this pact, we decided on my days off work, I would come stay with her out here! The only problem so far is that work schedules are tricky, tricky little devils. She usually works all week, and I work all weekend. :P Still, last night I got out here with time to go to dinner and help her set up her bed, WiFi, and cable (SCORE.), and this morning we got breakfast at Jack's and Joe's - basically the most heavenly place on earth. Anyways, she's at work now, and I have the day off, so while I'm sitting here in Starbucks trying to pass the time so traffic won't suck, I thought I'd write a blogpost...at the same time, it's a beautiful day, and I feel a little like exploring (despite the fact that I brought neither a brush nor any makeup for my overnight stay). I have my camera...maybe I'll take a peek around?....

....aaaaaand I'm back. So turns out, it' freaking HOT outside, and I didn't want to explore totally new territory for fear of getting lost, so I browsed the beautiful, and LARGE campus and snapped some photos :)

P.S. My job at OshKosh is pretty great. Up until this point, I've had decent hours (I love 4 and 6 hour shifts), made friends with practically everyone I work with...it's going to be sad when I leave, and I'm doing great on the cash register and with customer service :) It's a thousand and one times better than working at Johnny Rockets. Granted, I got way more hours there and made way more over the summer, ringing people up for clothes for 8 hours is way less tiring and stressful than running around like my head has been cut off. Yeah, MY head, not a chicken's.

That's Life Cover.

PRIDE.

Hey, remember me? 

I write this thing. 

Where did Summer go?! Sure, it's still July, but I mean...I go back to Chicago in less than 4 weeks, where I have recently procured an education internship at Chicago Shakespeare Theater...HOLY FREAKING CRAP, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I'm sorry, I wish I could be more subtle about this, but I can't tell you how freaking stoked, relieved, and terrified I am. Guess I'll jump that fast-approaching hurtle when it gets here. 

In case you forgot, I'll be living in a hostel in Chicago this Fall, taking classes at a college downtown, and doing a two-credit internship. I've got the three best roomies in the world, our suite (complete with a full fridge, stove, and dishwasher!) will be decked out with tons of awesome, oh, and did I mention I'll be living IN DOWNTOWN CHICAGO? Okay, again, I'm sorry for this visual freak out for your eyes, but I really am really excited :)

My most recent adventure this summer was this past weekend when I went to San Diego's Pride Parade and Festival with my lesbian aunt. I was actually pretty excited about it. My first gay outing "out." And it was pretty fun! Some highlights?

Military PRIDE!

Islander PRIDE!

This random guy Xan (pronounced "Zan") we met...

Catholics for Same-Sex Marriage!

Awesome Gay Dancers

Awesome Gay Dancers Part II

Superhero PRIDE.

Carrying the Giant PRIDE Flag.

Happy Pride :)

Happy Summer!

Gone in the Morning Cover.

Good Gone Girl Cover.

He is Mad Cover

He is Mad by Julia Nunes

Theme from New York, New York by Alfred Publishing

(No copyright infringement intended! For entertainment purposes only!)

Kiss Me Cover.

Kiss My by Sixpence None the Richer

I Know What I Am by Band of Skulls

(No copyright infringement intended! For entertainment purposes only!)

I'm Anti-Boredom.

So here I am, sitting on the floor in my room being bored and thinking about how bored I am when it comes to my attention that there are probably hundreds of thousands other people in the world who are just as bored as I am right now. Why not be someone to provide those people with something to do?

So for all of you who are also sitting on your lazy bums out there, looking for something to do (preferably something cheap), I have decided to share with you my list of things to do this summer. Any one of which I could probably be doing right now, but then again it is also 1 in the morning and I should probably be in bed anyways.

1. Learn about the Presidential Candidates
          -Bonus: You'll be doing your country a favor by making a valid, well thought-out decision on your ballot!

2. Have a Photoshoot.
          -Grab your closest gal-pal, choose some funky outfits and go to town!

3. Gang Garage Sale!
          -I have this philosophy that anything you don't use on a daily basis is of questionable occupancy in your life. My friends and I hold an annual summer garage sale, and I gotta tell you: it's the easiest, most refreshing, and ultra fun way to clear the clutter from your life!
          -Bonus: You get to make an extra hundred bucks or so!
          -Disclaimer: That extra hundred only comes in if you put out the goods ;) I'm not saying your Coach purse or favorite pair of shoes (unless you never use that Coach purse...and in that case, Ebay for sure), I'm saying the nice bike you bought three years ago that you've used once and it's just been hanging in your garage. Or the guitar you got as a birthday gift, only you are not musically inclined at ALL. :)

4. Long Boarding
          -Nothing like cruising in the setting summer sun.

5. PINTEREST CRAFTS!
          -Disclaimer: these can get to be mucho denero if you're not careful.

6. Choreograph a Dance.
          -This one has been on my list for YEARS. Seriously. I think I'm making some improvement though. The last time I went to the gym, I checked out the dance room and even brought my iHome! It was occupied by a yoga class though, so...maybe next week?

7. Beach Days!
          -A must, obviously. The only problem so far has been gas. The beach is about a twenty minute drive from my house - talk about gas guzzling!
          -Disclaimer: If you don't live by a beach or a lake, laying out in the sun in your backyard with your favorite book and a glass of lemonade is also a preferable alternative!

8. Outdoor Movie Night.
          -Disclaimer: I realize this only really works if you have a projection machine or something like it...hmmm. See number 9.
       
9. Homemade FORT Movie Night.
         -This just got ten times cooler.


Well, I hope this has been somewhat enlightening to those of you who are looking to spend your summer in a carefree, relaxing, fun way, FREE OF BOREDOM!

A Little Polish

I love painting my nails. I feel like a nail polish junkie. I own a sadly beautiful amount of colors and sometimes enjoy combining them into different color schemes sometimes for fun...who cares if my fingers look weird, I have COLORS on them! Too bad I'm not ambidextrous, or I would be a nail-painting master. Okay, my skills aren't that intense. But! I have developed my own way of getting the the nail looking perfect.

Step 1: File and smooth nails
Step 2: Paint nails, leaving time for each one to dry before applying second or third coats.

now there are two directions to go from here -

DIRECTION A
Step 3: Fall asleep for more than half an hour (making sure your nails aren't touching anything).
Step 4: Wake up and make sure the nails are dry.

DIRECTION B
Step 3: Submerge fingers in cold water for five minutes.
Step 4: Blow dry fingers and nails on cool air.

now the plans come back together -

Step 5: If you are a sloppy painter, like me, and have gotten polish all over your finger, take a shower. The skin will loosen the polish above it and you'll be able to either peel or scrape it off.

BAM. And there you have it. My simple two-direction, five-step action plan for the perfect nail painting job. Happy painting, everyone!!